- Just ahead on "Black Issues Forum," if you're falling short on your New Year's goals, it's okay.

It just means there's more room to bounce back.

We'll talk about making life changes that stick and how to look good while making them.

Stay with us.

- [Announcer] Quality public television is made possible through the financial contributions of viewers like you who invite you to join them in supporting PBS NC.

[upbeat music] ♪ - Welcome to "Black Issues Forum."

I'm your host Kenia Thompson, and as you can see things look a little different here in the studio.

We have gotten a new set and I hope you love it just as much as I do.

I'm so excited to have our guests sit right here beside me as we have our conversations.

And this week's topic is so appropriate because we're gonna be talking about reinventing ourselves and our image.

Making life changes can be tough, but with the right coaching and practical advice, we can avoid the burnout.

I'd like to welcome our first guest.

She's the creator of Reinvention Road Trip and CEO at Jes & Co, speaker, dynamic coach and so much more.

Welcome to the show, Jes.

- Thank you, friend.

And yes, the set is amazing.

- Isn't it beautiful?

It's so great, yeah.

- I'm so excited.

- I love it.

I know.

Now we can do this, right?

- We can do this, yes.

And be comfortable and sit with the audience.

- It's so great.

- Yes, it's great.

- So tell the audience about Reinvention Road Trip.

How'd you start it and why?

- Yeah.

So I started Reinvention Road Trip in 2020, right in the middle of COVID, believe it or not.

So you talk about this meta idea of reinventing yourself around the idea of reinvention.

And I started it for women who are just like me, who are trying to figure things out or in a transitional phase, whether it's wanting to get a big promotion, maybe wanting to leave their job and start a company or dabble in entrepreneurship.

Or maybe even personally.

They want to do something significant in a life change.

And so we take them through a cohort model, support each other in this idea of reinvention and give them actionable steps towards that goal.

- Yeah.

Now, when we talk about reinvention, especially if you're talking about starting something in a pandemic, right?

There's so much instability around us and a lot of times when we think about reinventing ourselves, it's because there's something we may not favor or like as much in our lives, but it takes a willingness to change.

- Yeah.

- But sometimes it's so hard to change.

Why is it hard to change?

- Well, this is interesting that you're asking this question because, and I don't know that people know this, but the most searched phrase of 2022, so just right on the edge of the pandemic, sort of ending, right, was the phrase, "can I change?"

- Oh, really?

- Across the globe.

- Wow.

- And so you're right, people are searching.

It kind of breaks my heart a little bit.

- It feels a little like what is happening.

- Right.

Right.

- But it was such a big shift for everyone to change their lives on a dime without inviting it into their lives, we were forced into this other kind of change.

Then when you're coming to the other side of it, you're like, well, what is my role in living the life I want?

Not the life that is forced upon me because now I have a little more agency, I have choices.

And so in 2022, people were kind of flexing that muscle.

And saying, what does that mean?

Do I wanna move to another country.

I wanna start something new, I wanna get married.

I wanna maybe have kids or whatever.

They're thinking.

It's, can I change, though?

And so reinvention by definition is the act or process by which something is changed so much that it appears entirely new.

- Wow.

- Now that's beautiful to say, but like you said, it's hard.

- It's scary too.

- It's scary, there's a lot of fear involved, it's very hard to do.

Generally, we're motivated by negative things like shame and guilt and that doesn't last a long time.

And that's why this idea of change doesn't last because we feel guilted into something or shamed about something or we're afraid of something.

And so for a little bit that gets us down the road, but then we start to feel bad about ourselves and it doesn't feel good anymore.

- Yeah.

- And so really one of the best things you can do when you're thinking about actively shifting something in your life is to understand why you're doing it right for the good?

What will you be on the other side of that?

How will you change?

Whose lives will be impacted?

Why does it matter?

- That's a key thing, whose lives will be impacted.

- Yeah.

I think a lot of people think about what their personal change is gonna mean for the folks in their circle.

And I think there's a lot of guilt sometimes that comes potentially, right, with the changes 'cause it can feel like we're being selfish.

And I think as Black women too, we hold so much responsibility.

And not that other women don't, but I think that there's just a severity to the weight of it.

Talk about that guilt.

- Well, you nailed it.

So I do coaching, as you mentioned in the intro.

I do a lot of executive coaching and I coach men and women, but I could coach predominantly women and majority Black women.

And this is exactly what I hear.

We talk a lot about burnout.

And I give them tips about how to say no and how to say no effectively and with like a very specific filter.

And when I get through that- How do you say no?

- I'll tell it to you in a minute, but they say to me, I feel bad.

What if, you know?

And the reason people are feeling bad is exactly like you said, we have created a pattern of always saying yes.

People count on us.

- Yeah.

- And the one time we say no, we feel like we're letting the world down.

- Yep.

- Trust me, you say no, they're gonna find somebody to do the thing.

They're gonna do it.

- Hope they do.

- They will.

The world keeps turning.

But we don't believe that.

We think the world sort of centers around us and people don't like it when I say this, but we get on a ego trip about being so important in people's lives that we put ourselves last and then we wonder why we are frustrated, irritated, we don't have the temperament, we have compassion fatigue.

And I'm like, if you would just regulate that and say no when necessary, you will get your agency back, you'll get some of your life back.

And you'll feel better.

The people around you will feel better because you're doing better.

- Yeah.

So tell us, the viewers, how do we say no?

- Okay, there's a couple of filters, but two very quick ones that I can do on the show.

The first is three questions, very simple questions, but that as women, Black women in particular, we do not ask these questions.

The first is, does it need to be done?

- Okay.

- Just that.

By me or by anybody?

- Anybody.

Like, so if somebody gives you a task, you should be saying to yourself, does this task actually need to happen?

Do I need to do this or is this something I've just always said yes to?

Or we just think it needs to happen during the day, but we could do without?

Second question is, does it need to be done now?

And again, we always prioritize.

Yes, absolutely.

For sure, absolutely.

We add it to our to-do list.

If we have 27 things on that to-do list and I take something from you and add it to my to-do list and not tell you.

That there are 27 other things on there.

Now, the expectation from you is that it's gonna get done now because you didn't tell me otherwise, right?

- Right.

- So you have to find out, and have a conversation around, does this thing actually need to happen now?

And if not, can we have a conversation about maybe on Saturday or maybe this evening?

Or it'll, I can get to it in a couple weeks.

Let me tell you what's on my list, and let me prioritize.

Maybe it doesn't need to be done now at all, right?

- How do you manage that with work, like that happens in our personal life?

I think we can do that a little easier, but at work, deadlines, - I absolutely think, I actually think about this at work.

We don't set a pattern or a expectation with our managers and supervisors around these kinds of crucial conversations.

We just accept things.

But this skill of having a crucial conversation is imperative, because your boss, your supervisor, wants you to be at your highest and best use.

They want you to thrive, they really do, because it makes them look good, let's be clear, right?

- Right, this is true, yip.

- So if you're piling on, and you're not getting things done on time, then you look like you aren't good at your job that you can't keep up, and if it was just a simple conversation around, you just gave me five things, I already have seven.

Let's look at this together, and help me prioritize them, because I wanna get to all of them.

I wanna be my best, but I'm clearly one person.

Wait, the third question is does it need to be done by me?

Does it need to be done?

Does it need to be done now?

And does it need to be done by me?

And that goes back to that original thing about us feeling like we're the center of all things, and I'm so glad they asked me, I feel so special that I was invited into this moment.

But maybe you're not the best one.

Maybe you're not the right one.

Maybe you don't have the tools, or you're not equipped in that moment.

You can say no and pass it off to someone else, and that is just fine.

- But in order to do that, we must know ourselves.

- You gotta know yourself.

- We must know our strengths.

And what we're good at, what we wanna do too, and so I think that's important.

You mentioned some feelings that happen around burnout.

Talk about what are some of those kind of recognizable emotions or actions that happen when we are in that burnout stage?

- Yeah, burnout is a symptom of chronic stress.

World Health Organization acknowledged burnout specifically in the workplace in 2019, which notably is before COVID, So it's only gotten worse, right?

So they're recognizing it as something that is pervasive in the workplace, and you'll see it through irritability.

You'll also see it in folks who are chronic fatigue.

they're tired, they're not hitting their deadlines.

You'll see compassion fatigue, which is what I experienced when I went through burnout in 2022.

I couldn't even take phone calls from dear friends without crying, 'cause I felt overwhelmed, and so we don't wanna live like that, right?

We don't wanna feel like we can't function throughout the day without being spiked, right?

And that's what chronic stress does does, it spikes us.

And so burnout, you have to recognize it, because it shows up in our body, it will show up.

Diabetes, you know, obesity, heart disease, that these are real symptoms of chronic stress, and if burnout is tied to that, regulating how you move, and regulating your burnout actually will help your physical body, and as Black women, we know we're on the margins for all of these health issues and health disparities, and we cannot pile on something that we have control over, and that's the thing I think we feel like we don't have agency in our life, and you have control over this.

You might hurt some people's feelings along the way now, not being, let's not be pie in the sky.

Some people might not like you saying no, but if you explain why you're doing it, and it actually benefits them too.

They'll get there.

- And it's a conversation.

- It's a conversation.

- And you know, in my opinion, if they can't see it, then maybe you might wanna reevaluate that relationship, right?

- Okay, I'm with you, girl.

I've had to do that.

- Yeah, it's hard.

- We've had to do that.

- But yeah, now it's the beginning of the year, we just hit February, people did their vision boards, they got their resolutions together, and you know what happens about 30 days in.

People might fall off a little bit.

What makes your program work?

What makes it different from a resolution?

- Well, you're right, so we're February, beginning of February.

46% I think of all Americans statistically will be done with their resolutions 30 days in, 9% finish in like the first day or two.

23% the first week.

I mean, it's pretty, we just don't stick to it, right?

When I think about our program, I think about something very simple.

We have to stop taking our goals, like they're the big elephant in the room and break it down into smaller pieces, right?

Be realistic about this goal.

Are you ready for change?

And this is what our program does is like, first of all, I know you say you wanna lose 30 pounds, are you ready to do that?

Is your life set up for that?

Like, is my bank account set up, right?

Like, am I set up for this change?

Just because you say a thing doesn't mean you're ready to do a thing.

So that's the very first thing.

Then once you say, I am ready for this.

Okay, great, I know that's your goal, and we're probably gonna hit that target in like 18 months, but I only focus on the next 90 days in my program.

Not just my program, but in my life, and I've been doing this for years.

- Oh wow.

- So much changes after 90 days, after three months, if you think about it, that to plan out a year in advance, like we do at the beginning- - That's overwhelming.

- Of the year doesn't quite make sense.

So if you can take it into small, manageable chunks, and take 90 days, and then figure out what that goal is, break it down to 30 days and each month, then each week, then each day, and I'm a walking testament to this, if you were to grab my notebook, you would see it broken down.

And I go three days out with highlighters, and that's all I focus on.

I don't worry about what's happening February 17th, that's too far out for me, I'm just trying to work my way to February 17th.

- And that doesn't mean we're not planning.

- No, no, I have a goal in mind, but small actionable wins, right?

Because we get overwhelmed when we don't see that big win.

"I didn't lose five pounds this week," but you lost three, that's a big win.

- That's great, yeah.

- You lost a half a pound a day, right?

But we are like, but we didn't get to five, but you got to three, next week, you'll be at six, right?

But we don't know how to celebrate ourselves, and we don't know how to find the little wins in the day, and so we quit.

So's easier to quit than to press on.

And we need to press on, because the world needs us at our best where we're fulfilled and joyful.

- So for those that are watching that say, I think I wanna be part of that program, We've got a cohort coming up in March.

- Yes, we do.

- Tell people how they can register and what to expect when they sign up.

- Yeah, thank you, Kenya, yeah, so we do have a program, our first one of the year, we're actually only doing two this year.

So get on this train if you're interested, March 1st is when we start.

You can register at reinventionroadtrip.com.

- Okay.

- Reinventionroadtrip.com.

And it's all spelled out for you there.

- Perfect, thank you so much, Jes Averhart.

- Thank you, friend, yeah, friend.

- This has been, I think, revealing for a lot of people.

Hopefully, they can reassess their goals, reassess where they want to go, and just be generous with themselves.

- Agreed, gentle.

- Gentle.

- And gentle, yeah.

- Thank you so much.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Well, that certainly gave me confidence that reinvention isn't impossible, but one thing that goes hand in hand with boosting yourself confidence is how we look, down to the clothes that we wear.

We're about to talk to a local stylist about just how much our threads matter.

But first, take a look at the decades of impact the Black community has had on fashion in this week's "Melanin Moment."

[soft music] In the vibrant tapestry of the fashion world, one cannot ignore the profound influence that Black creators have woven into its very fabric.

From the runways to the streets, their impacts resonates, shapes trends, breaks barriers, and redefines the standards of beauty.

Let's take a stroll through history where names, like Zelda Wynn Valdes broke barriers as the first Black fashion designer in the mid 20th century to open her own shop in New York City.

And in the new millennium, we are graced by the brilliance of Tracy Reese, whose feminine and whimsical designs have adorned the likes of former First Lady, Michelle Obama.

[gentle upbeat music] Many feel it is these trailblazers who have opened doors to allow Black influence in design that leads us to where we are today.

- You can't even speak about fashion or style without Black people.

- We are trendsetters.

- It's all about the culture of Black fashion and the history of how we make it happen, ow.

[bright upbeat music] - We're in a space now where everyone wants to be an influence in some aspect.

And a lot of times, when that is happening, the purpose and the mission gets missed and gets, like, swept under the rug and it becomes a dog-eat-dog world.

And in actuality, a lot of Black women and men started a lot of stuff.

And we deserve to get the credit.

- A lot of things that are in style right now that every woman is wearing really came from the Black community.

And at the time, when we did it, it was, how would I say it?

I mean, I can only speak the truth.

It was deemed as ghetto or ratchet or untasteful.

- Coming up, we got that a lot.

But, like, these days, now, I think that the word ghetto and stuff like that don't even matter no more.

- It comes from the intelligence that we have that's just instill in us from home, from the streets.

We have street wear.

- The oversized jeans were a big thing.

Or you see, like, the jerseys and all of those things, those were definitely a big part of the community.

- Our ancestors died teaching us the blueprint to freedoms.

It's time to live to show them we heard them.

- Because it's bigger than us.

We have children, we have a family, and we wanted to build something that outlives us.

- It's extremely hard for you to take over an industry or fit in somewhere where you're not only not wanted, but they don't even respect you enough to feel like you belong.

- And as long as you're comfortable in your skin, it doesn't matter what it looks like to anyone else or how anyone else feels.

I think that's fashion.

- Black people are the blueprint when it comes to certain fashion.

Some people may not like that, but it's the truth.

It's right there in the magazines.

It's right there on your TV.

Everything rotates itself.

But it's all started with the Black community.

[bright upbeat music] - Today, we're seeing so much trendsetting and fearless fashions and styles.

And that's what leads us to the next part of our conversation.

To talk fashion, I welcome to the show personal stylist and care curator, Dustin Byrd.

- Yes, thank you so much.

- Welcome to the show.

- It's a pleasure to be here, pleasure to be here.

- What'd you think about that piece?

- I loved it, I mean, you know, when you think about the things that we've been able to accomplish over the years in fashion, it's a creative expression that runs deep, right?

And so it's another method of energy for us to tap into, right?

And I'm just appreciative to be in this industry, helping people to understand their greatness when it comes to this as well.

- Yeah, and you do it well, I have to admit, when I was getting dressed this morning, I said to myself, "What is Dustin gonna think "about my outfit?"

- Oh, did you think about what I was gonna think?

- I did.

- Well, it looks great.

- Thank you so much.

Thank you so much, so we just heard Jes Averhart talk about reinventing ourselves.

- Yeah.

- Let's talk about what reinvention looks like on the outside.

- Yes, yes, so for me, I mean, I think it's a great thing to be able to understand that you can recreate yourself every day, right?

And so when we think about our image presentations, one of the things we need to think about is how do we wanna be perceived and how do we perceive ourselves, right?

So those are the main things that we wanna make sure that we're constantly portraying throughout our daily interactions and the things that we do in our lives, right?

And so another thing that we also think about when it comes to our image presentation is the confidence that is derived from that, right?

I always tell my clients and people that I interact with, when it comes to this, is that confidence is an energy.

And we want to be able to leverage that as much as we possibly can.

And it gives us the ability to be able to present our best selves as much as we possibly can on a day-to-day basis.

- Nice, the video talked about perception of self, right?

You just mentioned perception, but other people perceive us in different ways.

And we know that, historically, Black people haven't always been perceived positively with the fashion choices that we make.

Talk about how perception, a little more, on how perception really influences, you know, how we win in life or not.

- Yeah, so think about it.

It's one of the very first things you see when you see somebody or meet them for the first time is their presentation, right, their personal presentation.

And it's very important that we take this into consideration.

And I always tell clients that, three things, you have great style when three things are in alignment, that's your image presentation, your lifestyle, which is the things that you find yourself in on a day to day basis and also, you know, making sure that you're respecting the environment that you're dressing for, right?

That's one of the most important things.

You can have the creative expression, but if you're at a job or, you know, within your personal life, you wanna make sure that your attire choices always respect that at all times.

And I think, go ahead.

- No, I was just gonna say, how do we balance that then, right?

Let's say, we do work in a corporate setting, but we wanna add a blue streak to our hair, or we wanna have long nails, right?

But we may not see other people do that.

Does that mean it's not okay?

Or it just means other people haven't broken that stereotype?

- I wouldn't say that it's not okay.

But I think I would go with the latter that certain things, other people may have not journeyed in those.

So you definitely want to continue to portray yourself and always stay true to your creative expression, but you just wanna make sure it's in alignment with the brand that you're representing, your job or even in your brand messaging, if you're an entrepreneur, you wanna make sure that whatever you want to be communicated and the demographic that you're trying to reach, that you're in alignment with that.

And so I think if you operate within that, then you'll be just fine.

- Okay, so, when we take a look at millennials today, they have their own mind.

Which is a good thing, right?

And I actually am a millennial, but I'm an older, I think I'm like, missed the previous generation just by a year.

But they challenge, right?

And when I look at my kids, my daughter mixes plaid with flowers and I'm thinking, okay, if that's your style.

- Right.

- How are we seeing fashion evolve?

We, we saw the historical evolution.

Where do you see fashion going now?

- Well, so right now we see a lot of, especially in the workplace right now, it's a little bit more casual than it was before, as we were talking earlier today, is that COVID kind of created some confusion and a lot of people were just dressing up the upper quadrants of their bodies.

Pajamas down below.

- [Speaker] Right.

- Now we're back in the workforce.

Things are back to normal in a sense.

So I think what we're gonna see is we're gonna start to see people suiting up and dressing up a little bit more.

And as I'm talking to my clients, one of the first things that they're looking to do right now in moving forward is how can they create a brand new style identity, right?

Coming out of so much confusion creates a time of inspiration and a time to really wanna dig in and figure out what do I want my look to say about me moving forward?

And it creates just so much energy to be able to portray and it's a really fun time to be able to create this.

Right, and so I think moving forward we'll see a lot of people dressing back up, still gonna have that creative expression.

In many different cases we'll see envelopes being pushed, but hopefully they'll be pushed in the right way.

- Yeah, I think so too.

Just like Jess was saying, when we recognize who we are and we reevaluate where we wanna go, I think that that will also reflect, undoubtedly, with what we wear and the choices we make.

You talk about working with your clients, not everyone can afford a stylist.

- [Speaker 2] Correct.

- What are some like, fundamental elements of style that we should consider when putting together an outfit?

- So I think having the basics covered, right?

And I think one of the ways to do that is before you go out and shop, and as we've talked about this before, before you take the time to go out and shop, I think you need to do some inventory of what you currently have, right?

And you need to ask yourself, how do I wanna be perceived?

What will my look be?

What do I want my style to say about myself, right?

And you start there and then from that point, you wanna make sure that you're aligning yourself with those things and adding the pieces that you need to be able to have the basics covered first.

Right, so covering the basics first and then you can start to add on those unique trend pieces.

You don't wanna build a wardrobe specifically on those because it's hard to sustain that and you may not wanna wear those things.

- [Speaker] All the time.

- All the time.

Right, so one of the things you definitely wanna do is make sure you have a foundational wardrobe of core items that are gonna get you through your day to day.

- Like basic colors.

- Basic colors, and also, I always say that whenever you can have a specific look for every given environment that you find yourself in, you going to wedding, you've got something, right?

You're gonna be going traveling on the weekend, you have something in mind for that.

So I would tell people to make sure that you create that type of environment within your wardrobe.

So that you can address everything within your lifestyle in a stylish manner.

And once you do that, you're off to the races.

- That's awesome.

So if someone wants to hire you as a stylist, how do folks get in touch with you?

- Yeah, so you can reach me on my website, so it'll be dbpersonalstyling.com.

One of the very first things I tell people to do is just definitely take a look at the capture form, fill that out.

That'll gimme a little bit more information about some of your style goals, wardrobe challenges that you may have.

- [Speaker] Yeah.

- And I will gladly be able to address it from there, set an appointment, and then we'll go from there.

- Wonderful, well thank you so much, so much insight I think, on this show.

And hopefully folks have a renewed vision of how they can present themselves in the future.

- Absolutely, thank you so much for having me.

- Thank you.

And we thank you for watching and invite you to engage with us on Instagram using the #BlackIssuesForum.

You can also find our full episodes on pbsnc.org/blackissuesform and on the PBS Video app.

Thanks again for watching.

I'm Kenya Thompson, I'll see you next time.

[upbeat music] ♪ ♪ Quality public television is made possible through the financial contributions of viewers like you who invite you to join them in supporting PBS NC.