(film reel clicking) (cinematic music) (church bells tolling) (dramatic music) (engaging music) (gentle music) (intense music) (crowd chattering) (gavel banging) >> Ladies and gentlemen, when the Morning Star summoned you to this banquet, I realized that there were only two people qualified to introduce the great man we are honoring tonight.

Either my humble self or that pearl among journalist, Mr. Wallace Cook, my great friend and star reporter.

>> You said it!

>> I want Mr. Cook himself to tell you the great feat he performed not only for the Morning Star, but for mankind itself in interesting our guest of honor in this great project.

(crowd applauding) (crowd cheering) (attendee whistles) >> Bravo!

>> Bravo!

>> 27 halls of learning and culture, 27 arenas of art to be known as the Morning Star Temple.

And for every dollar we contribute, our guest has pledged himself to give 10.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great honor to introduce to you a prince with a heart as big as his pocketbook; that fabulous and magnificent potentate of the Orient, the Sultan of Marzipan.

(crowd applauding) (crowd cheering) >> Peace be unto you, my friends.

Peace and the blessings of culture.

(guests chattering faintly) >> That's him.

That's my husband.

(exciting orchestral music) >> Well, my fine Oriental potentate, I am not going to have you arrested.

I am going to put you on the payroll as a janitor.

>> Thank you, sir.

>> And I always want you present in the local room where my reporters and Mr. Wallace Cook can drink you in constantly as a warning against fakes!

>> Yes, sir.

May I ask you, ain't Mr. Cook a reporter anymore?

I wouldn't like for him to lose his job.

He was very nice to me.

>> Mr. Cook is not going to be discharged, Your Majesty.

For his own good and the good of the Morning Star, I am going to remove him from the land of the living!

(typewriter clacking) (crowd chattering faintly) >> Three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

(photos rustling) >> Listen, Oliver, I tell you I'm innocent.

I was just as fooled by Old Black Joe as you were.

I believed everything he said just as you did.

Now, Oliver, either you cut out these fat-headed monkeyshines of yours and let bygones be bygones or I'm walking out of this fish trap right here and now.

>> You're under contract to the Star for five more years.

You're not in a position to resign, unless you wish to retire from journalistic efforts over that period.

>> Oliver, you're not gonna keep me pounding out obituaries for five years!

>> Those are my plans, Mr. Cook.

>> That's gratitude.

I'm the best reporter you ever had.

I've handed you a hundred scoops.

It isn't fair, Oliver.

It isn't human.

>> Shut up!

>> Oliver, I don't like to say this, but the paper is going to rack and ruin with me hidden away in that water cooler.

Look at this.

>> What's that?

>> Poor little working girl doomed to death from radium poisoning.

>> We've covered it.

>> Covered it?

(heavily sighs) You're getting old, Oliver.

Look, there's one, two, three, four, five, six lines on Hazel Flagg, a poor little kid with a few months to live at the outside.

Doomed, death staring her in the face.

What does she feel?

What does she think?

Radium eating away her bones!

>> Don't shout at me!

>> Listen, Oliver, there's a story in this kid that ought to tear your heart out.

Where is it?

Why hasn't the Star got it?

I'll tell you.

'Cause I'm stuck away in a water cooler on account of some whim of yours.

Listen, Oliver, give me a chance, will ya?

So help me, may I drop dead, I'll redeem myself.

>> I oughta be shot for what I'm thinking.

>> What are you thinking?

>> I'm thinking that maybe you ain't the most tittering imbecile on Earth.

I'm thinking that maybe you've learned your lesson.

>> Oliver, so help me, I'll be in Vermont by morning.

I'll dig you up a story that'll make this town swoon.

Here's my hand on it.

>> I've been through an inferno.

I haven't been able to enter a cafe for the past three weeks without the band playing "Dixie."

>> Well, that was a coincidence.

>> I've given you my hand.

Go on, redeem yourself.

>> Thanks, you won't regret it.

If I don't come back with the biggest story you ever handled you can put me back in short pants and make me marble editor.

(train chugging) >> Conductor: All ahead.

All aboard!

(train whistle blowing) >> You through?

>> Yep.

>> You know this girl, Hazel Flagg?

>> Yep.

>> Pretty girl, eh?

>> Yep.

>> Where is she now, in the hospital?

>> Nope.

>> Just walking around, eh?

Laughing and carrying on, I suppose.

>> Yep.

>> What's your name, Coolidge?

>> Nope.

>> Well, if you aren't worn out talking, what is it?

>> Bull.

>> Mr. Bull, my name's Cook.

I'm from the New York Star.

I'm going to be filing a lot of stuff with your telegraph office here.

>> I don't think you are.

>> Well, who says?

>> The Paragon Watch Factory owns this town.

They don't care to have any scandal printed.

What they say goes.

Better take the next train back.

>> What kind of a fellow is this Dr. Downer?

>> He won't talk to you.

Nobody'll talk to you in this town, except me.

Better go home.

>> Well, if you don't mind, I'll take a little stroll and have a look at the sights first.

>> Well, I wouldn't have talked at all if I knew I was gonna do it for nothing.

>> Oh, pardon.

I forgot I was in Vermont.

>> Oh, wow.

>> Morning, sister.

You in charge here?

>> Yep.

>> I've been wandering through your fascinating metropolis for an hour.

Mind if I sit down here?

>> Woman: Yep.

>> (chuckles) I guess you misunderstood me.

>> Woman: Nope.

>> You know Hazel Flagg?

>> Yep.

>> Wally: Any idea where I can find her this morning?

>> You're a newspaperman from New York.

>> How'd you guess that, sister?

>> You was described to me.

Will Bull can shoot his mouth off to you all he wants, but not me nor anybody else in this town.

This drugstore's run by the Paragon Watch Company and they don't want any scandalmonger New Yorkers snoopin' around.

>> Okay, sister.

How much do I owe you?

>> Well, you've tooken up my time.

>> Thank you very much.

I'm sorry that I've tooken up so much of your time.

Sorry.

(Wally whistling) (children shouting) (child whoops) (child laughs) (child growls) Hey!

Oh, good morning.

Is Dr. Downer in?

>> Yep.

>> Is that his office?

>> Yep.

>> Would you tell him Mr. Cook would like to see him?

>> Tell him yourself.

>> Dr. Downer?

>> Yep!

>> My name's Cook, I'm up here from New York.

>> Sit down, I'll be with you in a minute.

>> Nice day.

>> Yep.

>> Yep.

>> What do you got, young man, hives?

>> No, no hives.

>> Lotta hives going around.

Mrs. George Nasher was took yesterday.

You know her?

>> Nope.

>> Where did you say you were from?

>> New York.

I was wondering if you could tell me where I could find Hazel Flagg.

>> From New York, eh?

>> Yep.

>> You know what I think, young fella?

I think you're a newspaperman.

I can smell 'em.

I've always been able to smell 'em.

Excuse me while I open the windows.

I'll tell ya briefly what I think of newspapermen.

The hand of God reaching down into the mire couldn't elevate one of them to the depths of degradation.

Not by a million miles!

>> Well, I think you're being a little severe toward my profession.

Not much, but just a little.

>> Nothing of the sort.

I am a fair-minded man, young fella, but when you've been robbed, swindled, cheated for 22 years out of a fortune, it's pardonable to formulate an opinion!

From New York, eh?

>> Yep.

>> You don't happen to know of a newspaper called the Morning Star?

>> You have the honor, Dr. Downer, of addressing that newspaper's most gifted representative.

>> Moses in the mountains!

You're from the Morning Star?

Stay right where you are, don't move!

I'll show ya something that'll freeze ya!

>> Listen, doctor, I'm getting sick of this taffy pull.

Where can I get hold of Hazel Flagg?

>> Don't talk to me about Hazel Flagg!

No, siree.

Here's the evidence.

>> I appeal to you as a man of learning, Dr. Downer.

What is Miss Flagg's address?

>> Don't waste my time, young fella.

Here, read that.

That's a copy of an essay I wrote.

Read it, go on!

>> Tit for tat.

Give me her address and I'll pour over these interesting documents all night.

>> I entered this contest with a clean pair of hands!

Who are the six greatest Americans?

I named them and proved why, writing on one side of the paper.

And what happened?

Did I win the $10,000?

No, siree.

Did I win the 5,000?

Did they even try to save their face by giving me one of the smaller $1,000 prizes?

Not that gang of chicken thieves!

Here's what they gave me.

Read it, a check for $1.

Young fella, for 22 years- >> I must ask you, Dr. Downer, to be reasonable.

You can't harbor a grudge for 22 years.

>> I'll harbor it 'til I die, wait and see!

The Morning Star had the chance to win my respect 22 years ago.

They saw fit to swindle and belittle me.

Very well, I'll prove to them before I die who the six great Americans are and who was entitled to the first prize!

>> I could do better in darkest Africa.

>> You know who got that $10,000?

The editor's wife, that's who!

(door banging) (fingers snapping) >> Morning.

>> Hmm.

(paper rustling) >> You don't have to sit there looking so dramatic, Hazel.

Like Eliza crossing the ice.

>> Well, I can't help feeling a little bad.

You couldn't either if you were gonna die any minute.

>> Well, you can stop giving yourself the airs of a dying swan.

According to this last analysis I made, you ain't going to die.

Unless you get run over or something.

>> What?

>> You heard me.

I don't like to chew my cabbage twice.

>> Enoch, Enoch, I'm not gonna die?

>> You're fitter than a fiddle.

And stop gawking at me or I'll cut myself.

>> Oh, oh, oh, I've got to cry, Enoch!

I can't help it.

>> Come, come, come.

This is no way to behave in a doctor's office.

Besides, that soap will give you the darndest bellyache you ever had.

>> (sobs) Oh, Enoch, you saved my life.

>> Oh, it was nothing.

That first diagnosis I made was a mistake.

I got so that I was seeing radium poisoning everywhere.

>> I've been awfully brave, haven't I?

Not to cry before?

Please, say I have.

>> Well, now that it's over, I don't mind tellin' ya, Hazel, I felt kinda sorry for you.

Sorry.

I've been under a great strain.

(Enoch coughs) >> You know, I don't know what I'm so happy about, Enoch.

You sorta spoiled my trip.

>> What trip's that, Hazel?

>> You know, I was gonna take that $200 you get for dying in Warsaw, and go to New York and blow it all in and die happy.

And now I've got to stay in Warsaw.

>> So, that's your gratitude to me for snatching you from the jaws of death?

>> You know, I don't know which I am, happy or miserable.

I'm all mixed up.

Enoch, listen.

Do you have to hand in that report to the factory?

I know it sounds a little dishonest.

>> I'd do it like a shot, Hazel.

Only I'd lose my job the minute they found out you weren't going to die.

And, besides, there's the ethics.

>> Well, thanks for all your trouble.

I'm terribly grateful, Enoch.

(sobs) Only it's kind of startling to brought to life twice and each time, in Warsaw!

(Hazel sobbing) >> Miss Flagg, pardon me.

I'm Wallace Cook from the New York Star.

I came up to see you.

I know it's hard for you to talk, but if you just listen to me for a while- >> I have nothing to say now.

It's sort of too late.

(Hazel sobs) >> I know how you feel, Miss Flagg, but I won't ask you any questions about your ailment.

>> I was just in to see Dr. Downer and he told me that- >> Oh, please don't cry.

I was thinking while I was waiting for you to come out and I got an idea.

I want you to come to New York with me.

>> What?

>> As my guest.

Or as the guest of the Morning Star.

Now, don't say anything 'til I tell you.

>> Oh, I'm not saying anything.

>> If you were my sister or somebody close to me, I'd take you out of Warsaw dead or alive, Miss Flagg.

>> Oh, I've always wanted to see the world outside before I- >> Oh, I'm surprised you, you've lived here all your life, huh?

>> Twice that long.

>> You poor kid.

You've never been to New York?

>> No, my grandmother took me there when I was three, but I didn't appreciate it.

>> Listen, we'll show you the town.

We'll take you everywhere.

You'll have more fun than if you lived 100 years in this moth-eaten yep-and-nope village.

>> Oh, that's so very true.

>> Is it a bargain?

>> I don't know.

It would be imposing on everybody because- >> Imposing, in what way?

>> Oh, I just thought it'd be wrong to make people sad.

I mean, I'd be kind of a killjoy, wouldn't I?

>> Wally: Listen, I'll be frank with you.

Even if I sound like a ghoul.

You'll be a sensation.

The whole town will take you to its heart.

You'll have everything you've ever dreamed of and you'll have it on a silver platter.

You'll be like Aladdin with a magic lamp to rub.

>> You mean they'll like me just because I'm dying?

>> Oh, that's a cruel way to put it.

No, they'll like you because you'll be a symbol of courage and heroism.

We'll talk about it on the plane.

>> An airplane, you mean we're gonna fly there?

>> Sure, sure, we haven't much time.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I mean, the sooner you get there, the more time you'll have to enjoy yourself.

>> You know, I was gonna go there before.

I saved up $100.

>> Now, $100 million couldn't buy you the fun the Morning Star can give you.

Come on.

>> Oh, no, wait.

I've got to take him with me.

>> Who, the kid on the bicycle?

>> Oh no, no, Enoch, Dr. Downer.

You wait here.

Oh, you won't go away, will you?

>> Nope.

>> Oh, I'll go ask him.

Will you wait here?

>> Yep.

>> Oh, good.

Enoch!

Enoch!

(dog barks) Enoch!

Enoch!

(plane engine rumbling) Oh, Enoch, look!

>> I don't care for scenery from this point of view.

>> Hazel: But that's the Statue of Liberty!

>> I've seen it.

>> I got in touch with Oliver.

Oliver Stone, my editor.

He's toe dancing in the street waiting for us.

>> Oh, I hope he's nice like you.

>> Well, he's got a different quality of charm.

He's sort of a cross between a Ferris wheel and a werewolf.

But with a lovable streak, if you care to blast for it.

You're getting nervous?

>> Oh no, no.

I just hope he won't have a lot of long, whiskered doctors lined up to harass me.

You know, I'm not coming to New York to play guinea pig for a lot of scientists.

Everybody knows that radium poisoning is incurable so, so why waste any time in that direction?

>> Don't you worry about that.

You won't be bothered at all.

>> I'm not going to go to bed until I have convulsions and my teeth start falling out.

That's when I begin worrying, isn't it, Enoch?

>> It's as good a time as any.

>> How're you feeling now, sailor?

>> Hunky dory, Skipper.

>> Well, there she is, in all her beads and ribbons.

>> Man: Mr. Cook?

>> Yeah, oh, thank you.

Oh, it's from Oliver.

He's almost tongue-tied with excitement.

He's worked up a nutty demonstration.

New York is gonna lay its heart at your feet while the whistles blow and the bands play and the cameras grind.

How about you, sailor?

Anything you care to say as we go into action?

>> Oh, I'm gonna have a marvelous time.

Whatever happens afterwards, I mean about the convulsions and all that, I'm gonna have fun first.

I am, I am.

>> Well, if that doesn't make them cry, nothing will.

>> Cry?

Why should they cry?

>> Because you're the bravest kid that ever lived.

There's no fake about it this time.

Oh, look!

(plane engine rumbling) (lively band music) (graceful music) (exciting music) (crowd chattering) Don't excite yourself too much.

It's just a fake.

>> What did you say?

>> I said, don't excite yourself too much.

It's just a fake.

>> Who?

Who is a fake?

>> Those grapplers.

The only square thing about them is the ring.

>> Oh, them!

>> They're a symbol to the whole town pretending to fight, love, weep and laugh all the time, and they're phonies, all of 'em.

And I head the list.

>> Oh no, you don't.

Don't say that.

>> Using you to get a bonus and a byline on the front page.

Making good over your poor, little pain-racked body and all.

I'm worse than those fake wrestlers.

>> I feel fine tonight, Wally.

You and the Morning Star have been so wonderful to me.

You know, these wonderful gowns and the banquets and the theater tickets and the poetry.

>> Stop looking so happy and gallant, will you?

It breaks my heart.

(crowd cheers) (Hazel yelping) (Hazel shrieks) (crowd yelling) You all right?

>> Oh, yes, I feel fine.

(bell clangs) >> Ladies and gentlemen!

I have just learned that Miss Hazel Flagg is in the audience!

(crowd applauding) I would like to ask this distinguished audience to observe 10 seconds of silence in respect for Miss Flagg.

(bell clanging) (Hazel whimpering) Okay, boys.

(crowd yelling) (graceful music) >> Would it interfere with your running the fleet if I ask you something personal?

>> That's what we're here for, to get personal.

Proceed.

There's a loose halyard fore.

Go and make it fast, will you?

>> That thing on the top there?

>> Yes, my little mariner, yes.

Try not to go overboard.

>> Hazel: I asked several people, but they didn't know.

>> They didn't know what?

>> Hazel: If you were married.

>> The answer, in capital letters, is no, N-O.

>> Hazel: N-O?

>> Yeah, N-O.

>> Oh, I see.

I don't suppose newspapermen marry, as a rule.

>> Not after they're 14 or 15.

That's the dangerous age for the journalist.

His ideals are not yet formed and he falls easy prey to elderly waitresses.

Once his finer side is born, he waits.

>> For what?

>> For the sound of the flare alarm, Miss Flagg.

Waits to go rushing off for the fire.

>> What fire is that, Mr. Cook?

>> Love.

>> I used to hear about that in Warsaw.

>> Yeah, it's gotten around.

(lively music) You're having fun?

>> Yes, but you know, I get kinda depressed.

You know, last night when I entered the theater, everybody moaned, oh.

You know, I might as well be a case of walking cholera.

Don't do that!

>> Now, I used to love New York when they went gaga over some celebrity.

Danced in the streets with a neon light around its heart.

I'm getting fed up with its trick tears and phony lamentations over you.

>> I'm glad they're phony.

It makes everything all right, in a way.

What I mean is I wouldn't wanna feel I was really making all those people suffer.

(waiter whimpering) Wally!

Wally, look at that man with the toupee!

(crowd applauding) (grand fanfare music) (playful music) >> Greetings, greetings, my little folks!

(chuckles) Tonight, there is one among us who adds a bit of unaccustomed drama to our little rally.

She sits here, eyes sparkling, her face wreathed in a lovely smile.

Drinking in the charm, the glitter, the gay sounds (Hazel hiccups) of life.

So drink your wine, laugh and applaud while this little doomed child sits saying goodbye to you.

Her last goodbye, with a grateful smile on her lips.

So on with the show, my little actors all.

On with the show, for tonight you're not the famous folk of Broadway.

Tonight you're just a little chorus laughing and dancing and pirouetting to afford a last brief hour of mirth and jollity to America's simplest and sweetest of heroines, Miss Hazel Flagg.

(crowd applauding) (attendee whistling) >> For good, clean fun, there's nothing like a wake.

>> Oh please, please, let's not talk shop.

>> Our next number tonight, ladies and gentlemen, is entitled "The Heroines of History."

(lively band music) Catherine the Great who saved Russia.

She could do it, too.

(whimsical music) (audience applauding) Lady Godiva who saved her virtue.

That's the way those things go, folks.

(lively music) (audience applauding) Katinka who saved Holland by putting her finger in the dyke.

Show them the finger, babe.

(whimsical music) (audience applauding) Pocahontas, who saved Captain John Smith and later on set him up in the cough drop business.

(coughs) (woman hollering) (man hollering) (audience applauding) Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want you to meet that little girl from Warsaw, Vermont.

That little soldier whose heroic smile in the face of death has wrung tears and cheers from the great stone heart of the city.

I humbly invite her now to take her place beside all the great Heroines of History.

Our own Miss Hazel Flagg!

(grand fanfare music) (whimsical music) (audience applauding) (Hazel hiccups) (audience gasps) >> Look!

Something has happened to Hazel!

(crowd chattering) >> Speak to me.

>> Look out, young fella.

Let me at her.

>> Has it, has it come?

>> Doctor, I wanna know the worst.

I don't want you to spare our feelings.

We're going to press in 15 minutes.

(Enoch sniffing) >> Is there a chance, doctor?

>> I've been expecting something like this.

Let's get her out of here.

(hiccups) Quick.

(whimsical music) >> Please, everybody.

Take your seats.

Quiet, please.

Take your seats.

There must be no commotion.

The show must go on.

Hazel would want it that way.

(whimsical music) >> I'm disgusted with you, Hazel.

Getting drunk in the middle of a memorial.

Now lie down like I tell you.

>> I'm not drunk.

I just had a little sip, that's all, and then, then all of those buffaloes ran over me.

>> They weren't buffaloes, they were horses.

>> (sobbing) I might've been trampled to death!

>> Don't yell, I tell you!

If somebody respectable could see you now, that would be pretty, wouldn't it?

Shame on you!

(hiccups) Take your stockings off!

>> You're the doctor, take 'em off yourself.

♪ Three o'clock in the morning ♪ (Hazel humming) >> Hey!

What are you doing?

♪ Three o'clock in the morning ♪ >> If anything happens, we have to replate.

>> That's all that counts to you, isn't it, you birdbrain with a headline for a heart?

That poor, gallant little kid standing in front of that goofy bunch of horses and smiling, just smiling.

>> Don't waste copy on me, Wallace.

>> Oliver, that's the sweetest, loveliest kid in there that ever lived.

Yes, you said that before, Wally.

>> I'm through.

I can't play pallbearer any longer.

I'm resigning.

>> She's all right, gentlemen.

Sleeping like a little baby.

>> Oliver: No!

Are you sure?

>> Just as if nothing had happened.

She'll be fitter than a fiddle in the morning.

♪ Three o'clock ♪ ♪ In the morning ♪ (Enoch humming) (phone rings) >> Oh.

Oh.

Oh my Gosh!

Miss Rafferty, Miss Rafferty!

>> Yes?

>> Oh, make them stop ringing that phone.

It'll break my head open.

>> Hello?

>> I don't wanna talk to anybody.

>> Just a minute.

There are 20 little schoolchildren downstairs to sing for you.

Mr. Stone arranged for it yesterday.

>> Oh, it's horrible.

I'll go mad!

Send them up.

>> Miss Rafferty: You may bring them up, sir.

>> Oh my gosh, there's a sawmill inside my head.

>> You may leave the room, Miss Rafferty.

I brought you something.

Raw eggs.

Just what you need.

Their albumen counteracts the alcohol.

Suck 'em right down.

Settle your stomach.

Go on.

I got a whole dozen.

>> Is this the way drunks feel?

>> Hazel, you got what is known in medicine as a hangover.

>> I've got something worse than that.

I've got a conscience.

(groans) >> Keep on sucking that egg, and your conscience will go away.

>> I'm ruining him.

>> Let me have your pulse, Hazel.

Ah!

>> Don't jiggle me!

My pulse is all right.

I'm as healthy as an ox.

(groans) >> Well, stop groaning then!

>> You old fraud, you know what I'm groaning about!

Oh, I wish, I wish I had radium poisoning or something awful and then, then I wouldn't ruin him.

>> Who is this you're ruining, Hazel?

>> Wallace.

Mr. Cook.

>> Oh, him.

Have another egg.

>> Enoch, listen.

He thinks I've helped him become a great journalist and they're gonna give him a bonus.

Mr. Stone is a bonus.

>> It's coming out of the $10,000 they owe me.

If I'm not complaining, why should he worry?

>> He thinks I've helped him.

Helped him.

And it makes him feel bad.

Oh, I can't stand it.

You know what'll happen when they find out I'm a horrible, good-for-nothing fake?

(Enoch shushing) They'll blame him.

Everybody!

They'll just burn down the newspaper.

And the Mayor, he'll have Wally lynched.

You just wait and see.

Oh, Enoch.

Why did you let me come to New York?

If you were only as honest as you look.

(knocking on door) >> Mr. Cook is here to see Miss Flagg.

Do you feel able to speak to him?

>> All right, tell him to wait.

Tell him to come in!

>> Come in!

>> Hello.

Hello, Hazel.

>> Hazel: Hello.

>> Hello, doctor.

It won't hurt her if I visit a while?

>> She's doing very well for her last few weeks.

>> Gee, I'm glad to hear that, Hazel.

I was, we were worried.

>> Excuse me.

>> I wouldn't have disturbed you, but, I'm going away and I thought I might not see you again until- >> You're going away where?

>> Oh, just to Albany.

>> What for?

>> Just to see the governor.

>> Wallace, what are you doing in Albany with the governor?

>> Now, Hazel, you mustn't get overwrought.

>> Well, if it's about me, I must know about it.

>> It's about the arrangements, Hazel.

>> What arrangements?

>> For the funeral.

>> What funeral?

>> Yours.

>> Oh.

>> Have I shocked you?

>> Oh no, oh no.

Everybody has to have a funeral sometime.

>> Well, but not like yours, darling.

Gee, I meant to keep it as a surprise.

>> Oh, it's better this way, your telling me in advance so I can get used to it.

Oh, I hope it's gonna be a little funeral.

>> Oh, I'm afraid that's way, way impossible, Hazel.

According to the present registration, there'll be about 30,000 automobiles and a considerable group on foot.

About half a million, I think.

>> Oh, my.

>> That's not half enough to mourn for you.

Oliver thought we could get the President, but he's still fishing.

I arranged to have the Symphony orchestra there instead.

>> Well, if it's all arranged, why are you going to Albany?

>> Well, I had an idea this morning.

I'm getting the governor to declare a public holiday for the occasion.

>> Oh, like St. Valentine's Day?

>> I'm glad I told you.

Hazel, I want you to know now and always.

I think you're magnificent.

>> Oh please, please, don't say that.

Do you have to go away?

>> Oh, I'll be back by night.

And I've got another surprise for you, but I'll not tell you now.

>> But I've got to hear it.

>> Well, I promised you I wouldn't do this.

>> You wouldn't do what?

>> Call in any other doctor.

Hazel, I know you have great faith in Enoch.

But I've broken my promise.

Dr. Emil Egelhofer is arriving on the Rex this afternoon.

He's from Vienna.

And I'm bringing him up to see you.

>> What for?

>> Hazel, he is the greatest expert on radium poisoning in the world.

I know it's incurable, but when I heard he was on the Rex I radioed him.

There's always an outside chance.

You know, just one in a million.

I'm sorry, I've got to run to get the 10 o'clock plane.

Hazel, I know it's a long shot, but we can hope, hm?

Goodbye.

>> Goodbye.

>> Pardon me.

>> The little children are here, Hazel.

>> What little children?

>> They've come to sing for you.

>> Enoch, this is the end.

>> Huh?

>> Don't ask any questions, just listen to me, we're caught.

Dr. Egelhofer's coming here tonight to expose me and Wally.

>> You've got nothing to fear from any doctor who comes snoopin' around here.

Better have another egg.

>> There's only one way out.

There's only one way to save you, and me, and Wally.

I've got to commit suicide in advance before that scientist gets to me.

I've got to be drowned.

>> Aw, suck this egg, I tell you.

>> Oh, shut up!

I'll leave a note to the city thanking everybody.

You get rid of the news for the evening, and then I'll jump into the river.

Somebody's bound to see me jumping, and you'll be waiting in a rowboat to fish me out.

And I'll swim underwater, and I'll change my name and hide away for the rest of my life and never, never see him again.

(sobbing) And they'll hold the funeral without me.

(whistle blowing) ♪ For you, Hazel, we are cheering ♪ ♪ Now the engines started hearing ♪ ♪ Like an angel you're appearing ♪ ♪ Hooray for Hazel Flagg ♪ ♪ Gallant Hazel Flagg believe us ♪ ♪ You're passing also they believe us ♪ ♪ When you rarely have to leave us ♪ ♪ Three cheers for Hazel Flagg ♪ ♪ Hazel Flagg is going back she's helping with the tide ♪ ♪ She's riding waves of glory toward ♪ ♪ The alien other side ♪ ♪ Hazel Flagg is going to ♪ >> Oh, give me a second.

(Hazel shrieks) (door jiggling) >> Hello, honey.

This is Ernest.

Honey, what kinda flowers do you like?

Huh?

Don't worry, honey, they all the same price.

I'm gettin' them wholesale.

Be right up, honey.

(man humming) (dramatic music) Hello, get me the Morning Star quick.

>> Who committed suicide?

Read it to me.

>> Dear New York City, Goodbye.

Remember me as someone you made very happy.

I have enjoyed everything.

There's only one thing left to enjoy.

Your river, that smiled outside of my window.

It is easy to die when the heart is full of gratitude.

Hazel Flagg.

(door opens) >> Hello, Oliver.

Well, we get our holiday.

The governor has agreed to- >> Shut up.

Jumpin' H. Sebastian.

She's double-crossed us.

>> Who has?

>> Miss Flagg.

>> She's gone over to some other paper?

>> She's gone into the river.

>> Listen, you weasel-brain.

What are you trying to tell me?

>> Hazel Flagg has committed suicide.

>> I don't believe it.

Ernest, your Sultan, has found her suicide note.

He saw her leave the hotel five minutes ago.

>> Give me the Mayor at once.

>> Get the governor.

Tell him we want that holiday tomorrow.

>> You're a fine pair of gravediggers.

You and the governor both.

Hello, hello, Mayor?

This is Wallace Cook of the Star calling.

(siren wailing) (boat horn blaring) (siren wailing) (Hazel whimpering) >> One, two, three.

Enoch!

Enoch!

>> Okay, Hazel, okay!

>> One.

Two.

>> Hazel!

Stop!

>> Oh!

>> Stop!

Stop!

You freakin' fool!

What the devil's the matter with you?

What are you trying to do?

(water splashing) >> Wally!

Wally, are you all right?

>> Sure!

I'm all right!

But I can't swim.

>> Wally!

>> Give me (stuttering).

(Hazel exclaims) (siren wailing) That's a fine, sweet trick you tried to play.

>> Well, why didn't you stay in Albany?

>> Jumping off a pier like some hothead.

>> I didn't jump, I was pushed!

>> Scaring everybody out of their wits- >> Stop hollering.

I'm nervous.

>> Listen, either you give me your word of honor you won't try that again.

Or I'll spank your little- >> Wallace, don't you think you oughta notify them that you've located me?

You know, it seems unfair to have 'em dragging the river!

>> Oh, the fresh air will do 'em good.

Come on, I wanna talk to you.

>> What?

>> This is as good a place as any.

Get in!

>> Hazel: Oh, it's awfully cozy, isn't it?

Are you still mad at me?

>> Wally: I'm mad at myself.

Drooling away to you about the funeral.

That's what drove you to it!

>> Hazel: To be really frank with you, Wallace, it wasn't that at all.

Oh, darling, I'd love to sit in here with you for the rest of my life.

>> Wally: Hazel?

Will you marry me?

>> Hazel: What?

>> Wally: You heard me.

Will you marry me?

>> Hazel: Oh, Wally.

>> Wally: Come on, answer me.

>> Hazel: But darling, there's no future in it.

>> Wally: Now, don't talk like a half-wit.

I don't care about the future.

>> Hazel: Oh, Wally, if things were normal I'd, Oh, Wally, I mustn't.

Don't ask me.

Please, just kiss me once more and let it go at that without ruining your life.

>> Wally: So what the devil is there better to life than we've got?

A handful of perfect hours.

That's all the luckiest ever get out of it.

Just a handful of hours to save and remember.

And then I'll be there at the end, sailor.

I'll be there waving you goodbye.

It'll be the same as if you and I had lived forever.

And you'll grow old in my heart.

>> Hazel: Okay, Skipper.

(knocking on carton) >> You seen anything of a young lady that yumped in the river?

>> Wally: Yeah, she's right here.

>> All right.

Yim, get the bull motor.

>> Oh, never mind the bull motor.

Now, her breathing's fine.

Just drive us to her hotel, will you?

>> Sure.

Yump in.

Yumpin' Yiminy.

>> Oh.

Oh, thank you.

>> You're welcome.

>> Thank you.

>> You're welcome.

Eh, you're welcome.

>> Now.

Looks as if I finally get my ride on a fire engine.

>> Yeah.

>> Yumpin' Yiminy.

>> Uh, Yim?

>> Yim.

>> Okay, Yim!

(bell clanging) (siren wailing) (Hazel shrieking) (siren wailing) Gotta go down and bat out the story.

Oliver's having a cat fit.

You know, I've been misjudging him.

When I told him you were safe and sound, he choked up and couldn't talk for a minute.

>> Oh yes, he's very sweet.

>> Yeah.

Well, I'll see you in the morning.

Have a good sleep.

Good night.

>> Yes, it's a big fire.

Oh, if you ever hate me, remember this and this and this and this and- (door slams) >> The biggest fire since Rome!

>> Well, well, well, hello, Hazel.

Come in.

I was wondering whatever become of you.

>> Enoch, who is that man?

Enoch, who is that man?

>> Oh, he's just a stranger from Europe who dropped in for a little chat.

We've been discussing medicine, pro and con.

Oh, excuse me.

I want to introduce you to Hazel Flagg.

Mister, what did you same your name was?

>> Egelhofer.

Dr. Emil Egelhofer.

>> Dr. Awfulegger.

Seems to me I've heard of you somewhere, doctor.

>> Oh, Enoch, Enoch, sit down now.

>> I received a radio on the ship from the Morning Star, Miss Flagg, Which excited my professional as well as humane interests.

And I called on you at once.

(doorbell ringing) Ah, that must be my colleagues.

Come right in, gentlemen.

This is the young lady, Miss Hazel Flagg.

Dr. Oswald Vunch of Prague.

Dr. Felix Maratchovsky of Moscow.

Dr. Friedrich Kirchenweisser of Berlin.

♪ All de darkeys am a weeping ♪ ♪ Massa's in the cold, cold ground ♪ >> There is no vestige, no trace, no single symptom of radium poisoning in this young woman, Mr. Stone.

We had some trouble with that horse doctor from Vermont.

But we took the X-rays regardless.

>> Are you sure you examined the right woman and not some impostor?

>> Oh, (laughs) the only impostor in this case, Mr. Stone, is this young woman we examined.

The young woman who is known as Hazel Flagg.

Here's the full report of this examination.

Here's the X-ray pictures showing the entire skeleton of this young woman known as Hazel Flagg.

And here, Mr. Stone, is my bill.

(men clearing throat) Our bill.

And I will assure you, not me or my colleagues will say one single word of this to the newspaper.

Goodbye.

You have nothing more to worry about, Mr. Stone.

Your troubles are over.

(door closes) >> Send me up four sluggers from the Circulation Department.

(door closes) >> Got a bulletin and new lead for you on Hazel Flagg that's gonna wreathe that sourpuss of yours into a nosegay of smiles.

Now sit tight and tuck in your ears.

Miss Flagg is getting married tonight.

And wish me luck, old weasel-brain, it's me.

Aw, listen, I know it sounds hysterical marrying somebody with a few weeks to live.

Like honeymooning with a hearse at the front door.

But, Oliver, it's on the square.

What's the matter with you?

Listen, I want you to be best man.

Are you stewed or something?

I came in for congratulations.

What's up?

What's eating you?

>> I am sitting here, Mr. Cook, trying to figure some way out of the blackest disaster that has ever struck down an innocent man since the days of Judas Ischariot.

>> Wally: What are you mumbling about?

What disaster?

>> I am sitting here, Mr. Cook, toying with the idea of removing your heart and stuffing it like an olive!

>> Hang on, Oliver, you're going screwy.

I'll get Watson.

>> You ruined me.

You ruined the Morning Star.

You blackened forever the fair name of journalism.

You and that foul botch of nature, Hazel Flagg!

(door slams) >> You got some excuse for those words, Oliver.

Let's have it.

Quick.

>> Excuse?

Excuse?

Look at that!

(stammering) Look at that skeleton!

Not a bone missing, down to the last healthy vertebra!

Intact!

Read that.

Rub your nose in it.

That's Hazel Flagg.

The biggest fake of the century.

A lying, faking witch with the soul of an eel and the brain of a tarantula.

>> She hasn't got anything wrong with her at all.

Sweet heaven, I can't believe it.

It's like some miracle.

>> Get me the Waldorf Hotel as quick as you can!

Grab Hazel Flagg and bring her to this office!

If you have to drag her through the street by the hair!

>> So help me, Oliver, if you hurt that kid, I'll knock you cold.

I'll brain you!

>> You stay here and watch that maniac.

Watch every move he makes.

I want Hazel Flagg in this office within half an hour!

You're staying here!

>> Now, Oliver, you're not gonna hurt her.

>> Shut up!

>> I'm marrying her.

Get that into that monkey skull of yours.

I don't care how we've been taken or what she's done.

I'm in love with her >> Oh, that's a beautiful thought.

>> And I thank God on my knees that she's a fraud and a fake and isn't going to die.

>> You're on your knees thanking God when the whole town's getting ready to laugh at us.

A howl that'll be heard around the world!

>> Let 'em laugh.

I'll do my own laughing back.

>> It'll be worse than the French Revolution.

>> Well, I hope I'm here when it breaks.

I wanna make one speech to our dear readers before they carry our heads off on a pike.

Wanna tell 'em we've been their benefactors.

We gave 'em a chance to pretend that their phony hearts were dripping with the milk of human kindness.

>> What's your name?

>> Who, me?

Max.

>> I want quiet in this office, Max.

(Max sniffling) Quiet so I can think.

>> Wally: Hazel Flagg's a fraud, eh?

>> Oliver: Gag him!

>> So when you start yelling foul, remember she was just a circulation stunt for you.

You used her like you've used every broken heart that's fallen into your knap-sack.

To inflame the daffy public and help sell your papers.

>> That's enough about sellin' papers!

(Wally grunting) (Max sniffling) >> Before I finish with that female Dracula, she'll know one thing, that Oliver Stone is worse than radium poisoning four ways from the Jack!

(phone rings) Hello?

Hello?

Who?

Moe?

Moe who?

Who's Moe Levinsky?

>> That's my brother.

You sent him over to get that girl.

Remember?

>> Oh, Moe.

Listen.

What?

What's that?

Well, what are you stalling for?

Get her back here to the office as I ordered.

Get the mush out of your mouth, man, and speak up!

>> He's a dumb cluck, Mr. Stone.

You better let me talk to him.

You'll just get him excited (fingers snap) then he's gone.

Hello, Moe?

This is Max.

What's on your mind?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

(tongue clicks) That's a shame.

>> What is it?

>> I'm gettin' it.

Go on, Moe.

And take it easy.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

You don't say.

Look, Moe, hold the wire, will you?

I'll take it up with Mr. Stone.

>> Well?

>> He wants to know where he can get a doctor.

This girl is sick.

>> Who's sick?

>> This girl, Hazel Flagg.

>> It's a lie!

>> Listen, Max, ask him what she's sick with.

>> He told me.

He said it's something like the DTs.

Only the dope can't pronounce it.

>> Well, is the nurse there?

>> Just a minute.

Hello... Hello, Moe?

This is Max.

Your brother, Max!

He's gettin' rattled.

Now, don't fly off the handle, Moe.

All I wanna know, is the noisse there?

No, not a noise.

A noisse!

Like a tootsie!

That's right.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

>> Give me that phone.

>> I'm gettin' there.

>> Give me that phone, I tell you!

>> Here's the noisse.

>> Miss Rafferty?

Oliver Stone.

Pneumonia?

It's a lie, I tell you.

Temperature of 106?

Dying?

Go back and take her temperature again.

I don't trust that girl until I get a doctor.

No, not Dr. Downer!

Tell Moe to throw that Vermont quack out of the room the minute he shows his face.

Get me Moe.

Pneumonia?

It's the finger of God if it's true.

Listen, Moe.

Don't let anybody leave that room until I get there.

Dead or alive, nobody leaves that room.

Get me?

It's like a pardon from the gallows.

But I'm trusting nobody this time.

I'm taking no chances.

Hello?

Hello?

Get me Dr. Emil Egelhofer of Vienna.

Wherever he is.

Well, try all the hotels.

>> Listen, Oliver.

I'm going over there.

And if you try to stop me, so help me, I'll get you, if it takes all my life.

>> Nobody is going to stop you now.

If that little girl is sick, your place is by her side.

Yes, Dr. Emil Egelhofer of Vienna.

Well, try the medical center.

Try Schulz's Beer Garden!

>> No, I don't want to see the Mayor.

Take the Mayor away from me.

I want Wallace.

Wallace, where are you?

>> Cut out the shenanigans, will you?

We haven't got any time to lose.

>> Oh, Wally.

Wally, I'm on fire.

Wally.

>> Now, shut up for a minute and listen to me.

Egelhofer is gonna be here in 10 or 15 minutes.

Egelhofer.

Dr. Emil Egelhofer of Vienna.

I knew you were faking the minute I- >> Oh, Wally, they were gonna arrest me.

I couldn't get away.

I put the thermometer under the hot water and threw a fit.

Oh, Wally, you hate me.

I knew you'd hate me.

I told you, I told you.

>> Wally: Let's not go into that now.

>> Oh, Egelhofer, he'll expose me again, and there's four of them.

>> Wally: Keep your head and listen to me.

>> You hate me.

>> Now shut up.

Where's the hot water?

>> It's in there.

>> As if I didn't know.

Have you got two thermometers?

>> Three.

I've got three.

>> Wally: Two are enough.

>> You'll never forgive me for what I've done to you.

Wally, I wanna die.

Honest, I don't wanna live another minute.

>> Must've been a lot of fun playing me for the world's prize chump.

Where's the other thermometer?

>> Here.

>> Wallace Cook, king of the boobs.

The only genuine horse's neck on the market.

>> I didn't mean it.

Really, I didn't.

>> All right, shut up and listen to the greatest sucker in Christendom, and listen hard.

Egelhofer is coming.

>> With his gang?

>> What gang?

>> Well, he's got a wagonload of scientists with him, with real microscopes and searchlights.

Oh, I'm sunk.

I give up.

>> Get out of bed.

>> No, no, let them arrest me and put me in prison.

Well, you won't hate me so much if I'm behind bars.

>> Listen, my dying swan.

This is no time to stop faking.

You're gonna have pneumonia, and you're gonna have it good.

>> Why, you want me to stand in front of the window and catch cold?

>> No, that would take too long.

We gotta raise your pulse to 160 quick.

We gotta have you a-gasping, panting, and covered with a cold sweat inside of five minutes.

>> How?

>> How?

I don't, fight.

Fight!

Come on, come on, Delilah, up with your dukes.

>> Oh, I can't.

I'm sick of faking and lying.

>> Take that ice pack off your head and fight.

>> No, no, what's the use?

Why fool them any longer?

>> Because I love you.

Because I'm going to marry you.

And I don't wanna spend my honeymoon hanging around Sing-Sing blowing kisses to you in the exercise yard!

Come on, stop dogging it.

You've got to be bathed in perspiration!

Come on, get going, you little crook!

>> Who's a crook?!

You and your crooked newspapermen.

>> That's my baby!

Come on, keep moving, snake brains.

Come on.

>> I'll kill you!

Dragging me around like I was a prize pig with a blue ribbon!

>> There's no blue ribbons on you, baby.

Just a big yellow sign marked fake.

>> I'm a fake, huh?

I'm a fake?

What are you and that phony Santa Claus, Oliver Stone?

Slobbering and drooling all over me.

That's for the Heroines of History!

>> Mm-hmm, and that's for your Aunt Mary!

Come on, keep moving, my little fraud.

>> I'll never forgive you as long as I live!

I won't, I just hate you, I just hate you.

(both grunting) Let go of me!

Let go of me!

Oh, I hate you!

>> You're gonna have plenty of reason to hate me.

I'm gonna show you cards and spades in lying for the next 50 years.

I'm gonna pay you back for every lie you told.

I'm gonna flirt and lie and cheat and swindle right through to our Golden Wedding.

>> Yeah, yeah, let me hit you just once.

>> All right.

Come on.

Yep, that's it, come on, keep coming.

Faster, faster, come on.

Keep coming, faster, faster.

That's it.

Keep swinging, that's the girl.

That's it.

What's the matter?

Come on.

>> Oh, I'm getting dizzy.

>> Well, that's fine.

That's fine.

Now listen to me, and listen carefully.

When you come to, I want you to remember what I'm saying.

>> What do you mean, come to?

>> I mean, when you regain consciousness.

I want you to switch thermometers.

Put the hot one in your mouth, you get me?

>> Yeah, yeah.

Let me sock you just once.

Just once on the jaw, and I don't care what happens.

>> All right, come on.

>> Whoa!

>> I just heard the elevator door.

They're coming.

Don't forget about the thermometer.

>> Yeah, yeah.

>> All right, say good night to Papa now.

>> Why?

What are you gonna do?

(Hazel moaning) >> Oliver: You put up a nice fight, Wally.

>> You mean to say you saw the whole thing?

>> Oliver: From the beginning, Mr. Cook.

>> You mean to say you stood there and let me beat up a defenseless woman?

>> I did, Mr. Cook.

>> Where's your sense of chivalry?

>> My chivalry?

Aren't you just a trifle confused, Mr. Cook?

You hit her!

>> That's entirely different.

I love her!

(Hazel moaning) >> Water.

Water!

I'm on fire!

I'm hot as a coal.

>> Well, you can cool off now, Hazel.

The jig is up.

>> What?

What?!

>> The jig is up!

>> You mean to say the whole thing was for nothing?

>> Yeah, I'm sorry.

>> You thought you could put one over on Oliver Stone, eh?

Well, I guess I still know a fake when I- >> You keep out of this!

>> Wally.

>> Yes, dear?

(fist thuds) (Hazel blows) >> Oh, Wally.

Wally, I didn't mean to do it, I didn't mean to do it.

I love you, I love you.

>> Miss Flagg, I wonder if you're aware of the traditions of a great newspaper.

Do you realize what it means to those who carry aloft the torch of journalism?

From the highest editor to the lowest office boy the life-blood of a newspaper, Miss Flagg, is its integrity.

Am I right, Wally?

>> Word for word.

I wrote that speech for you 10 years ago at the Cleveland convention, you remember?

>> You can both talk all you want.

I've made up my mind.

>> Your what?

>> I'm through.

>> What do you mean, you're through?

>> I'm gonna confess.

I'm going back to Warsaw.

They love me there.

They don't hit me on the jaw and push me in rivers.

>> But you can't confess.

Do you realize that out there are some of the most important citizens of this town?

All of those people are out there by special invitation from the Morning Star.

And why?

To pass on to the people of New York, to the people of the world your last words.

>> For instance?

>> Ah, this is no time for sarcasm, Wally.

You got me into this, you get me out.

Use your brain.

Mine's stunned.

Where's Dr. Downer?

Where's that weasel-hearted medico?

>> He's been on a toot.

>> We could use him.

We could throw him to the wolves.

Just when we need him, he isn't here.

>> (fingers snap) I got an idea.

We can bury her.

Like they do in India.

You know, like the Yogis.

We can stick a tube down for her to breathe through and dig her up in the morning with no harm done.

>> No, darn it, let me out of here!

>> Wally, stop her!

Stop her!

(Hazel yelling) >> Stop her!

>> I'm a fake, I'm a phony, I'm not gonna die.

I was never gonna die.

I never had radium poisoning, I never had anything.

I wanted a trip to New York, and I got it.

And what's more, you and New York can go, fine!

>> Mr. Stone, is this true?

>> Yes.

>> Well, this is terrible.

Terrible.

I endorsed this thing.

I sponsored this girl.

I gave her the key to the city.

And just as an election was coming up.

Here's your key, I won't be needing it anymore.

>> Miss Flagg, I represent 100,000 young matrons.

We switched a whole study course from The Menace of Communism to The Inspiration of Hazel Flagg.

>> Miss Flagg.

The Girlfriends of the Forest have just organized a Hazel Flagg Unit with me as Chief Ranger.

Already, we are 4,000 members.

If you persist in flaunting your recovery in this flagrant manner, the trees of America will be without girlfriends.

(crowd chattering) >> Ladies and gentlemen, the Morning Star keeps faith with its readers.

This thing must not get out.

>> Oh, let me alone.

I wish I really could die.

Go someplace by myself and die alone!

Like an elephant!

(melancholic music) ("Taps") (train whistle blaring) Happy, Mr. Cook?

>> Wally: Ecstatic, Mrs. Cook.

(Hazel giggles) (woman gasps) >> I know what you're gonna say.

You think I'm Hazel Flagg.

Well, I'm getting sick and tired of people mistaking me for that fake!

>> Fake?

Young woman, how dare you speak of Hazel Flagg as a fake?

How dare you slur the memory of one of the most gallant girls that ever lived?

Despite you and your kind, the world will never forget Hazel Flagg.

>> That's what I'm afraid of.

>> Don't worry, baby.

Two months from now, they won't know who Hazel Flagg was.

They'll find another elephant.

>> Darling, you're forgetting that everybody in New York knew me and loved me.

They loved me for my courage, my brave smile in the face of... Well, after all, I was a pretty important person.

>> Just a flash in the pan of Manhattan.

And they were beginning to get pretty impatient at the way you were dragging the thing out.

>> That's a lie, and you know it.

Why, right now, millions of people are crying just thinking about me.

>> Why don't you get wise to yourself, Hazel?

You're just another freak, like the Bearded Lady, Jo-Jo the Dog-face- >> Take that back, or I'll- >> Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

>> Enoch: Hazel!

Hazel!

>> Hazel: Yes, Enoch.

What is it?

>> Hazel!

Hazel!

Run for your life!

Run for your life!

The whole town is flooded!

Flooded.

(dramatic orchestral music)