Alvin, Simon, Theodore.

[radio presenter] That's correct, Warren.

-Yes!

-[radio presenter] We're into sudden death, playing for the meal for two at Bella Italia.

Stephen, which footballer married former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham?

-[Stephen] David Beckham.

-[radio presenter] That's correct.

-Bloody easy.

-[radio presenter] Warren, in what year did Preston become a city?

-You're joking me!

-[radio presenter] You have 10 seconds.

Well, it's not a city, is it?

It can't be.

[radio presenter] I'm looking for the year.

Oh, for 1957.

[radio presenter] I'm afraid the answer was 2002.

Congratulations, Stephen, you've won the meal for two.

-[Stephen] Oh, amazing!

-Absolute stitch-up.

[radio presenter] All the questions are written fairly, Warren.

That's a load of total bollocks.

[radio presenter] Ah, there's no need for that.

Apologies, listeners.

Now - I mean, what a ridiculous question.

Did you know this place was a city?

Yeah, of course.

Well, why didn't you say anything?

Can I just go home now?

My lesson ended, like, 25 minutes ago.

Yeah, all right.

City of Preston!

I've heard it all now.

[opening theme music] Hello, love.

Is Preston a city, yes or no?

Yeah, think so.

I mean, who's giving this place city status?

-It's a shithole.

-Preston is beautiful, thank you very much.

All you see is the ring road every day.

If you're gonna go on about how nice the bus station is, I don't want to hear it.

It's Grade-II listed.

So is the railway station.

Interesting, isn't it?

The only nice buildings in Preston are points of exit.

Did Charlie get to the airport all right?

Yeah, I dropped him there this morning.

Oh, he was so excited.

When I got there, they were all dressed in Hawaiian shirts!

[laughs] Oh, it was ever so funny.

Sounds hilarious.

-See you later, love.

-[Warren] Where are you going?

I've told you, Danny's parents evening.

Are you sure you're not coming?

No, I told you, legally, he's nothing to do with me, so it's probably against the rules.

Just not worth the risk.

I've left you a quiche in the fridge.

Make sure Danny eats and doesn't just sit upstairs all night.

-See you in a bit.

-[Warren] All right, love.

Danny!

We're going out.

Mrs Humphreys.

Hello, again.

How are you?

Yeah, fine, thanks.

And you, are you having a nice evening?

Erm...

Yes, can't complain.

Oh, good, good, good to know.

Is everything all right?

Oh, sorry, I get a bit nervous at these things.

I never did too well at school, so it brings back bad memories.

I used to get in trouble cos I'd just sit at the back with Sandra Whedon passing love notes to Michael Price.

Well, you needn't be nervous.

I didn't fancy him that much, but his dad owned a launderette, and his clothes smelled ever so nice.

Sure.

Shall we crack on with Danny?

Oh, God, yeah, sorry.

Well, Danny is one of our star pupils.

He's a very bright young man.

He must get that from his dad's side.

He's kind, he's friendly, he's helpful.

Maybe not.

Although I am a little worried about him at the moment.

His grades have dropped slightly over the past five or six weeks, and he seems a bit distracted.

-Oh, no, that's not like him.

-No.

Have you noticed any change in him at home?

Well, I suppose he has seemed a bit out of sorts.

But I just thought that was because my partner has started turning the Wi-Fi off after nine to save on electric.

And does Danny get on well with your partner?

Oh, yeah, they get on ever so well.

Danny loves spending time with him.

How'd he miss from there?

He only had to stick his leg out!

Oh, God, this game's awful.

Play the offside trap, you've all got to be on it, you know what I mean?

I don't really like football, Warren.

Christ, you're hard work, Danny.

Sorry.

Oh!

The peas are still frozen.

Oh!

Oh, I'm so fed up.

We could ask 'em to put something else on.

How has it ended up like this?

Look at me, sat in a pub with a 14-year-old watching Scotland play.

I'm 15, actually.

Do you know, all I ever wanted in life was a lovely little house in Dorset, out of town, somewhere peaceful, nice new Mondeo on the drive, a couple of little chickens running around the garden, maybe one of those garage doors that closes on its own.

Not too much to ask, is it?

What do I end up with?

A divorced mother of two living in Preston.

Can we go home soon, Warren?

I've got a Call of Duty tournament to play before you turn the Wi-Fi off.

Yeah, of course you have.

If your mother asks, we had quiche for dinner.

I quite like quiche.

You can pick it out the bin if you're still hungry.

Did you know Preston was a city?

Yeah, they changed it in 2002.

All right, Danny, nobody likes a smart arse.

Bloody hell, even the Queen did a walkabout.

Poor Queen, imagine what was going through her head walking around this place.

You all right, love?

[sighs] Well, a couple of teachers mentioned that Danny's grades have been dropping, and he's been a bit out of sorts.

-How was he tonight?

-Bit quiet.

But to be honest, he's not great company anyway.

Tried to have a word with him, but he just said everything were fine.

There you go, then.

I was thinking, maybe you could have a word with him.

Oh, no way.

Well, you two get on, maybe he'll chat with you, man-to-man sort of thing.

No, get Charlie to do it, or send him next door to Ian, he likes Ian.

Please, Warren, just have a little word with him, see if you can find out what's up.

It might be serious.

[gasps] He might have started taking drugs!

Oh, calm down, Anne!

I'll have a word with him tomorrow after work, if that'll put your mind at rest.

Okay.

Thanks, love.

Hey, how was the quiche?

-Cracking, yeah, really hit the spot.

-Oh, good!

Well, they were on offer, so the freezer's full of 'em.

You can have the same tomorrow as well.

Lovely.

And then they said it'll take off in an hour and gave us a voucher for three pound.

I said, 'Three pound?

That won't even get us coffee!'

Anyway, we went back to the lounge, Murray had a bacon roll, I just went for a latte.

-Oh!

-Well, the bacon roll on its own was three pound, 30, so I'm down 30p before I've even started me holiday!

Anyway, we went back an hour later, and lo and behold, the flight was delayed, so Murray hit the roof.

Hang on, where are you going?

Oh, is it all right to drop me off at home today?

I'm not working this week.

I'm not a bloody taxi service, love.

But it's just up there on the left, you can see it there.

Anyway, Murray nearly causes a bloody riot, comes down - I didn't know you lived on a farm.

Oh, yes, Murray's been a farmer all his life.

-Is it a working farm?

-Yeah, it's got the lot.

Cows, sheep, pigs, couple of horses, few chickens, fishpond.

Oh, yeah, I've always fancied having chickens.

My mum and dad used to keep 'em when I was a kid.

Fresh eggs every morning, can't beat it.

And they cost nothing to keep either, chickens.

Pay for themselves in a couple of weeks.

Now where was I?

Oh, so Murray demands that Stelios - Never mind Stelios, tell me a bit more about these chickens.

-[Warren] Anne!

-In the kitchen.

Guess what?

I bought a chicken.

-You've done what?

-I've bought a chicken!

-Why?

-Think of all the lovely fresh eggs we'll have.

Better than all that supermarket shite.

But where are you gonna put it?

Gonna put it in our bedroom.

Where do you think I'm gonna put it?

I'm gonna make a pen.

You were supposed to be talking to Danny.

He came out of his room this morning, and his eyes were all red.

I'm worried it might be drugs after all.

Anne, have a day off.

You're talking about Danny.

But why were his eyes red?

Don't know, probably been blowing his clarinet too hard.

Will you speak to him today?

Yeah, he can help me build the pen.

He'll love all this.

Danny, come here!

I want ya!

[chicken clucks and coos] Did Warren just call me?

He's in the garden.

He's bought a chicken, love.

Oh, right.

No, I think he wants you to go and help him.

[Warren] Danny, come here!

Oh, Mum, do I have to?

I think it'd mean a lot, yeah.

I've not seen him this excited since that student accidentally paid him twice.

Come and give your old mum a cuddle.

Aw!

[sniffing] [chuckles] I told you that old rabbit hutch would come in handy.

Your mother was always on at me to chuck it.

It's good wood, that is.

Oi, not so rough with that netting!

Doesn't it need a proper coop, Warren?

Oh, suddenly he's Chris Packham.

All it needs is a bit to run around in, somewhere to have a kip, and somewhere to lay me an egg.

What are you gonna name it?

I'm not gonna bloody name it, it's a chicken.

I didn't know if you wanted to.

You want me to take it for walks as well?

-Ow!

-Quiet, you're frightening it!

Warren, that's the third splinter I've got now!

'Oh, that's the third splinter I've got now.'

Go inside and ask your mum for some gloves, you tiny little girl.

Oh, what's going on here, then?

Building an extension?

Oh, that's very good, Ian, as usual.

No, I'm putting up a chicken run.

A chicken run?

Why?

Why do you think, you tit?

I bought a chicken.

You can't keep chickens in a suburban garden!

Think of the noise pollution.

Here we go.

It's not Foghorn Leghorn.

It's one little chicken.

And it'll attract rats.

It's a well-known fact that chickens attract vermin.

This place will be awash by sunrise.

Yeah, tell you what, mate, you look after your garden, -and I'll look after mine.

-Where are you going?

You're not just gonna leave it unattended like that?

Oh, shut up, you bellend.

[chicken clucking] So how's it going?

Oh, yeah, she's settling in, no problem.

Not the chicken, Warren, Danny!

Did you speak to him?

-Oh, no, not yet.

-Why not?

You said you would.

Well, what exactly do you want me to say to him?

Your mum thinks you're a crack head, could you smile a bit more?

Oh, for goodness' sake, just go upstairs and try and find out if there's anything wrong.

Probably up there now trying to flog his clarinet to pay for his next fix.

Now, or that chicken's going back!

That's not even funny, Anne.

You all right?

Oh, sorry, I was just finishing some homework.

Oh, no worries.

Can I sit on the bed?

Er, yeah, if you want.

Oh!

Big, isn't it?

Space.

Not for me, I'm all right here.

Warren, what's going on?

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Listen, your mother's worried about you.

She went to your parents' evening, and your teachers said your grades were dropping or something.

Not really, I got an A instead of an A star in maths, -but that was it.

-Oh, bloody hell.

The way your mother was going on, I thought you were turning into Forrest Gump.

Christ.

-Erm, Warren?

-Yeah?

Could I ask you something, actually?

It's not about your homework, is it?

Cos I can't help you there, mate.

No, no, it's not school related.

It's a bit personal.

You don't want me to have a look at...?

No, no, nothing like that.

Thank Christ for that.

What's up, then?

Promise you won't say anything to Mum?

Yeah, I promise.

It's just, there is something on my mind.

[Warren] Right.

Warren.

[Warren] Yeah?

I'm in love.

[laughing] -I'm sorry.

-It's not funny!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, mate, I just wasn't expecting you to say that.

Go on.

Who is she?

-It is a she, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Yeah, only I wondered with the clarinet and stuff.

-Go on.

-Her name's Jenny.

She's in the year above me at school.

She works weekends in the supermarket, and she does drama for her GCSEs.

-Right.

-Well, that's it.

So what's your problem?

Well, what do I do?

-Have you spoken to her?

-No.

Well, once, yeah, but that was just cos she jumped in front of me in the dinner queue.

What happened?

She just said, 'Can I go in front of you?'

Right, what did you say?

'Yeah.'

Oh, sounds like you're off to a flyer.

A real whirlwind romance.

I'm wasting my time, aren't I?

No, you're not, just go up to her and ask her out.

Girls like a bit of confidence.

I'm scared, though.

You've got nothing to be scared of.

I'll drive you to go and see her at work tomorrow.

-No!

-Mate, you can sit there and worry about what would have happened for the rest of your life, or you can grow a pair of conkers and just ask her out.

-You reckon?

-Yeah, we'll get you looking all smart, she won't know what hit her.

Okay.

-Thanks, Warren.

-Yeah.

Mum's the word, eh?

Now, are you gonna sit there on your arse all day, or are you gonna come and help me build this chicken coop?

All right, hang on, I'm coming!

Oh, what now?

Warren, that chicken kept us up all night.

The noise is absolutely unbearable.

What bloody noise?

The constant clucking.

Is this a wind-up?

It's keeping the whole neighbourhood awake.

They weren't designed to be kept in quiet cul-de-sacs.

Right, come with me.

-What?

-Come on, we'll have a listen.

Where?

There.

And that's keeping you awake, is it?

Well, I didn't know when I purchased my house, I'd be living next to a farmyard.

All right, well, I'll have a word with her, how about that?

I'll ask her to keep it down for you.

And I think you owe my wife an apology as well.

Terrified of chickens.

She's scared to leave the house.

Funny, even though she married a complete cock?

You cluck all you want, my darling.

The more I think about it, the more I reckon it is drugs, you know.

Did he say anything to you yesterday?

-What, about drugs?

-Yes!

I was watching a show on Channel Five last night about teenage drug addicts in Great Yarmouth.

They said telltale signs were finding home-made bongs in the bedroom.

Did you find a home-made bong in his bedroom?

No, but I did find the socks my mum gave him for Christmas, still in the bloody wrapper.

Christ.

He's hardly Keith Richards, though, is he?

I'm gonna sort it all out today, Anne, I've got it all in hand, all right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

What do you reckon to the name Maude?

You think she looks like a Maude?

I knew a woman once called Maude who worked up on the industrial estate.

She found a lump in the March, and they gave her three months to live.

She was robbed of another hour when the clocks went forward a week later.

-Such a shame!

-[playful music] Maude it is, then.

Hands out your pockets.

Right, that's it.

You look fine.

You ready?

Yep.

Okay, just take something up to buy, anything will do.

-Tampons?

-Yeah, make you look more in tune with a woman's needs, won't it?

-Who would I be buying them for?

-Your mum.

Who buys tampons for their mum?

I don't bloody know, stop reading into things.

You take that up to her till, put it down, compliment her, say you're at school with her or whatever, then ask for her number, all right?

-Yep.

-You'll be fine, just be yourself.

-Yep.

-Okay.

Now, which one is she?

Brown hair, till five.

Alright, get in the car.

-What?

-Car, now, go.

-I thought - -Car!

What was all that about?

Danny, what I'm about to say to you is for your own good, okay?

-Right.

-You've got no chance.

That girl in there is like the Manchester United of girls, and you are, at best, Wigan Athletic.

Warren, you know I don't like football.

Oh, for Christ's sake, Danny, she's far too good-looking for you, all right?

-You said I look - -Forget what I said.

There's no way I'm gonna let you humiliate yourself by asking out a girl who's miles out of your league.

Won't do your self-confidence any good at all.

Put your seat belt on.

You tried your best, but it just wasn't meant to be.

Four days I've had her, and nothing.

Not one single egg.

Really?

That's weird.

Sometimes they get like that.

Did I tell you about my friend Norman - You've sold me a barren chicken!

That's what's happened.

You pulled a fast one!

There's nothing wrong with that chicken.

She's probably just stressed or something.

Stressed?

She's not doing her 11 plus, love.

I've set her up like a queen out there.

She's doing better than I am!

Yes, but if they feel uncomfortable or worried about anything, they won't lay.

Oh, right, so I'll book her in with a shrink, then, shall I?

She probably just misses her friends.

They're sociable animals, chickens are.

All right, so I've got to take her on play dates as well?

No, but they don't like to be on their own.

They always lay better when there's a few of them.

She probably just needs a bit of company, you know.

They're sociable animals, Anne.

I don't know if we have the room, Warren.

Maude, come and meet your new friends!

Maude?

Maude?

Oh, Warren, I think she's made a run for it.

Oh, no, that's the bloody foxes!

The foxes got her!

I told Danny to double up on the fencing!

Sorry, love.

-[Ian] Oi, get out of here.

-There she is!

Get your chicken off of my property!

-It's attacking me.

-Stop doing that, you're frightening her!

Look at its claws!

It'll have someone's eye out with them.

Just pick her up and give her back to me.

I'm not touching it.

They're ridden with disease.

For God's sake, Ian, it's just a little chicken.

Be gentle with her!

He's upset her.

Careful, Paula, it went for me.

Aye, you're brave, Paula.

Ian said you wouldn't come out of the house because of her.

Oh, no, you're fine, I love animals, me.

-Come here, love.

-There you go, Warren, love.

-There we go, come on, baby.

-No, Ian's the one with the little chicken phobia.

When he were 8, his family lost him in a farmyard.

Oh, dear, poor thing.

They found him two hours later wedged under the nest boxes.

They didn't even recognise him at first, he was covered in that much shit.

Oh.

Ooh, I know.

More of them?

[Warren] In you go.

She's keen.

What's wrong with you?

You trying to kill me?

Just go inside, Ian.

I'm going to cycle to Lewis', Mum, see you later.

Put your helmet on, love, please.

Oh, I'm so worried, Warren.

I'll just whack a bit of extra fencing on there, it'll be all right.

Not about the chickens, for God's sake!

About Danny.

Where did you both go earlier?

He seems worse than ever.

Oh, he made me promise not to say anything.

Oh, my God, did he take you to his drug dealer?

-No!

-Oh, God, we'll have to send him to rehab.

Shall I call the Priory?

All right, all right, if you insist, he's been acting weird because he likes a girl.

-A girl?

-Yeah.

-Is that it?

-Yeah, but don't say anything to him, or he'll know I told you.

Who is she?

Oh, well, Jenny's her name.

She's a year above him at school, and she does the tills at weekends.

Oh, Jenny Humphreys.

I can see it now!

Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong.

-I told him not to bother.

-Eh?

Why?

Well, we went to go and see her, and she's way too good-looking for him.

He hasn't got a chance.

You didn't actually say that to him, though, did you?

I told him the truth, Anne.

Set his sights a bit lower.

There's plenty of other fish in the sea.

They're just not such good-looking fish, like a pollock or a grouper.

Right, the minute he gets home, you are gonna go and tell him he can get any girl he likes.

Well, I'm not gonna lie to him.

Warren, you need to put this right!

She's not blind, Anne!

[muttering] All right, girls?

Warren?

What are you doing?

I'm looking out for the foxes.

Okay, 'night.

Dan, before you go, sit down for a minute.

[clears throat] I've been thinking.

I was wrong to say what I said about Jenny.

I reckon you should go for it.

No, you were right.

She is too good-looking for me.

No, she's not, you're a good, all right-looking lad.

-You can do it.

-I'm not sure.

Well, why don't I take you down there tomorrow, see if she's working?

At least you can ask her.

And you don't think I'll embarrass myself?

No!

Not at all.

Just try not to take it personally, whatever it is she says.

You know, however nasty her comments are, or however horrified she looks, just you remember, you've always got your clarinet to fall back on.

Thanks, Warren.

'Night.

[comical music] Hopeless.

I don't know, Warren, maybe this is a bad idea.

-Maybe I am aiming too high.

-What?

No!

Although, what about that nice redhead on number three?

Oh, sweet Jesus!

-Let's just go home.

-No!

Danny, sometimes in life, you've just got to take a risk.

-Really?

-Yeah, I took a risk when I asked your mother out.

-Was she out of your league?

-What?

No chance.

I didn't know how the whole kids thing would work out.

I was nervous before I met you two, and then I grew to like you.

Well, not Charlie, really, but you're all right.

-I'm not sure.

-Listen, I didn't piss a litre and a half of unleaded up against the wall bringing you here twice for you to wimp out now.

Get in there, go on!

-Text me?

-Yeah, yeah sure.

See you.

She wants to hang out after school on Monday!

Do you think she's simple or something?

Danny, if this turns out to be a big practical joke, you've got to promise me you won't get too upset, all right?

Oh, you're kidding me!

[playfully tense music] -He shouldn't be long.

-What the bloody hell's going on?

Oh, Warren, love, this is Amanda from the RSPCA.

I'm afraid we had an anonymous tip-off suggesting that chickens were being mistreated -at this address.

-Oh, did you?

So obviously, we had to come and investigate.

Listen, love, these chickens are treated like bloody royalty.

-Sir, I never thought - -They get organic feed, they got clean water, they got a heat lamp.

He's even wired up a radio so they can listen to Classic FM at night.

-[Warren] To help them unwind.

-Yeah, I can see - There is absolutely no way you are taking my girls off me.

It'll be over my dead body.

I was just going to say that these chickens are treated very well.

Oh, right, yeah.

Well, they are.

It's a good-sized pen, they're relaxed, they seem very happy.

-Mm.

-My only concern is that they've got a small case of bumble foot.

Nothing too serious, but you'll need the vet to give them a once-over and supply them some treatment.

How much is that going cost?

Not much, probably 200 pounds.

Get out, you muppets.

Go on!

You can bloody keep 'em!

Anonymous tip-off, my arse.

-Tosser!

-Just let it go now, love.

I bet it was him that put them off laying as well.

Staring at them out of his window all day'd put anyone off their stride.

-[Danny laughing] -All right, Danny, give it a rest, she can't be that funny.

Sorry.

So she just gave him her number?

Yeah, he walked up, bold as brass, and she just gave him her number, just like that.

Oh, isn't it lovely, to be young and in love again?

I don't get what she sees in him.

People say the same to me.

-What?

-[Anne chuckles] -[Charlie] Hello?

-Oh, me boy's home!

Oh, God.

Oh, Anne!

Ah.

[chuckles] [Anne] Oh, my baby!

How was it?

Oh, not so tight!

Oh, you look tanned.

Yeah, I fell asleep by the pool on the first day, forgot to put sun cream on.

Doctor at the resort said I had third-degree burns.

-Oh, love!

-Yeah, well, I've got some exciting news!

So have I. Danny's got a girlfriend.

-What?

-She's not my girlfriend yet, we're just texting.

Oh, and Warren bought a couple of chickens, but he's got rid of them now.

Bloody hell, I've only been gone a week.

-What's your news?

-I got this.

Oh, good God, Charlie, that's horrendous!

What on Earth did you get that for?

We all got one.

Well, we were going to, I went first, and then the others saw mine and didn't bother.

God knows what Warren's going to say.

You know Preston's a city, don't ya?

Yeah, all right.

Where is Warren?

[Warren exclaims] [playful music] Have some of that, you twat!

[radio presenter] So remember, you're playing for the half-price MOT at Kwik-Fit.

Stacey, how many inches in a foot?

-[Stacey] 12.

-[radio presenter] Correct.

Warren, what is the first letter of the Greek alphabet?

-Oh, Jesus.

-[radio presenter] I'm gonna have to hurry you.

-Alpha.

-[radio presenter] Correct.

Stacey, who is Prince Charles married to?

[Stacey] Oh, what's her name?

Not Diana, the other one.

[Warren] You've got to take her first answer!

[radio presenter] Quiet, please, Warren.

[Stacey] The one that wears that posh coat.

[radio presenter] You're nearly there, Stacey.

Are you gonna hurry her up or what?

[Stacey] Darren, who's married to Charles?

She's bloody conferring!

[radio presenter] Warren, quiet, please.

[Stacey] Priscilla, Priscilla Parker-Bowl.

-[radio presenter] I will accept that.

-That's not even right!

[radio presenter] Warren, what is Michael Caine's real name?

-Maurice Micklewhite.

-[radio presenter] Correct.

Stacey, what is the capital of Edinburgh?

I mean, Scotland.

-[Stacey] Edinburgh?

-[radio presenter] Correct.

You just gave her the bloody answer!

[radio presenter] Right, well, I'm sure she knew it anyway.

Warren, in what year was Preston's beautiful Grade-II listed bus station completed?

Oh, er... [radio presenter] I'll have to hurry you!

1967, nine!

'69!

[radio presenter] I'm afraid I have to take your first answer.

It's 1969, it's 1969.

[radio presenter] Your first answer was 1967, which means that, Stacey, you have won the quiz.

-Oh, for - -[truck horn blares] [closing theme music]